Friends, Family and Lonliness

Last night marked the departure of my two best friends from India headed back to New York as well as the last of my string of visitors from home (one more visit in July from my love).

Between my Mother and friends visiting I have had a full house since about April 14th. Today, sitting in my room alone, once again, I must say that my overwhelming emotion is sadness.

Certainly I, like almost everyone else, am glad to have my house back to normal and my bed back to myself but knowing that no one who really knows me is going to be around to support me for the next 3 months does feel somewhat aweful.

As I reflect I realize that this observation about myself, this sheer loneliness I feel is funded by something with great strength: a home, someone I love, a place I want to return to. And perhaps, most importantly, these feelings are NEW for me. Never before have I felt comfortable enough and safe enough to really feel it was HOME. Also, never before have I felt comfortable enough in my own skin and my own company to want to return somewhere. I must say that I have spent much of my life running away in an effort not to have to walk through.

So, today, this is what I have been thinking on - How this new great strength I have discovered also brings me such great discomfort.

I never thought that loneliness could be so exhausting and excurtiating. The quality of loneliness I speak of is not about lack of social invitations or lack of friends here...this loneliness is about missing someone and some place that you feel is part of you and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it in the short term and that (perhaps this is the worst) KNOWING that you will continue to keep feeling this way until you get home.

If typical loneliness were a cold, this would be cancer.

But, despite this, I am thrilled to have arrived at this place - I am thrilled to have something to hang onto. Which brings me to another thought....

A few weeks ago a friend used the word 'settle' in a sentence "I just need to settle in a bit" and then quickly said "Oh, I used the S word." And this little tiny exchange - which I am sure the person I am speaking of would likely not remember - has stuck with me because I used to feel that way too - settle was a 4 letter word.

But when I heard it this time around I felt, with some certainty, that this person was actually the one missing out...and that what I had standing on the other side of street was not anything like how I had imagined it nor was it anything I thought tied me down or limited my choices. In fact, I think it is something which gives me amazing strength, perspective and confidence.

So, this is what I have been thinking on today with my friends gone and my house empty. My how I have grown and it certainly has not been painless BUT I like where I am now. I like knowing that I will forever remain a global citizen while at the same time a person with a home. And I know that I am stronger for it.

So, if I may, I would like to ask you....does settling still scare you?