My Choice

Despite how much you are prepared for it or how much you know it is going to happen; despite all the internal coaching and self-talk, there is nothing which will ever prepare you for feeling homesick. I have been rather quite lately because I have been homesick and then I decided perhaps I should just write about it since it is all I really think about and then I started thinking about it some more and realized I had to write.

Homesickness always strikes about 3.5 weeks in...when everything is no longer bright and shiney and the fact that you can't drink tap water suddenly drives you insane and you become angry at your boyfriend because he doesn't seem to be emailing enough (how dare he ever not be thinking of you!) and you refuse to answer calls because it just seems like too much work - and really who wants to hear your dithering anyway. You feel left-out, forgotten and suddenly VERY FAR from home. Lets just say it doesn't always bring out the best in people. The best you can really do is take it, put it outside yourself, acknowledge it and let it go. The holidays don't help either. Breathe.

Tonight, I began to think of my homesickness in a bit of a different light. It sort of all began when one of my fellow fellow's mentioned that he had a friend coming into town. When he said this, I felt jealous...he always has friends coming into town! (but it also made me reflect). He and I come from extremely different backgrounds. He has spent nearly his entire life traveling, he speaks three languages and perhaps (dare I put words in his mouth) his greatest fear is staying any one place too long. I, on the other hand come from pretty much one place. Most of my entire family comes from that one place and most of them do not possess passports (but some are working on it!). Perhaps my greatest fear is getting stuck.

He has friends visiting because his friends are from all around the world. They all own passports and probably have had to have them refilled more than once. These people are likely not just traveling for work - they are traveling because it is part of their culture, their identity.

I will never have this reality. I will never have a revolving door of visitors. My people, as part of their culture and identity, stay put.

Viewed through this lens, my choice to do this, to travel this far is much different then my friend's choice. This is not a judgement but a realization that people have tried to point out to me before and I have just never fully appreciated.

As I have been writing this blog I have been continually thrilled and honored by the enthusiasm with which people have read it. The responses have been a huge part of me keeping it up. What I have come to believe is that part of my journey is sharing this experience with all the people in my life who will never, ever see India. It is bringing something to their doorstep in a way which works inside their culture. I believe it is also a way of making the world a little smaller and allowing people the opportunity to have understanding and empathy for something which is so outside their own reality yet coming in the words and voice of someone who understands them. It is also allowing that brave someone the opportunity to visit..if they want. And, I am honored for that opportunity.

My choice, coming from a culture where leaving home is not extremely common and where many have lived in the same state or within the same two hour distance their entire life, is to be the one to leave. It is a choice which has not been easy and which has involved both sacrifice and risk, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

So, I will remain homesick and I will envy my friend who has an eternal list of visitors but I will also keep writing because I know people are reading.

And, of course, I will secretly hope that one or all of you will decide to visit.