Eyes Down, Shoulders Back

So, let me premise this post with the simple statement that I am feeling pretty upset and angry at the moment. Therefore, my compassion and perspective might be slightly limited. Apologies in advance.

When I walk down the road in India regardless of what I am wearing people stare at me. Well, not actually just stare at me - they lecherously, gap mouthed stare at me for extended periods of time. It is not flattering; rather, it is infuriating and sometimes downright scary. I am actually waiting for the day when some man crashes his motorcycle because he is too busy staring at me to worry himself with driving down the road. On a daily basis rickshaw drivers do nothing short of run me down with their vehicle as they stumble all over themselves trying to ask if I need a ride (which I don't, I never do because if I want a ride I will ask). Women are the same. They sit on the back of the motorcycles and watch me until they can not see me anymore.

What I have learned to do is never look up - EVER. If I look up or risk the possibility of eye contact what is a mere difficulty becomes an all out battle. If I look up the rickshaw driver follows me for 50 meters or the men on their motorcycles pull over and start talking to me. I have become a woman with downcast eyes. My only choice when I decide to walk on the street is to put on an angry face and never, ever look up. I hate this reality and I hate the rage it makes me feel.

There are moments or days when things get simply overwhelming. When the need to lash out becomes so poignant I have to cry or scream. Today is one of those days and as I write this post I am crying because I am soooooo angry and exhausted by this.

Today as I was walking the 1/2 mile from where I got some groceries to my home a man stopped his car...I kept walking. He then drove the wrong way in traffic following me...I ignored him. Finally, I looked at him and he says "I go to your gym!" as if this is going to make me feel more comfortable that he is following me down the road as I try to walk home as inconspicuously as possible.

I want to scream at him that I don't care if he goes to my gym - I don't want him following me! But, I don't - because anything I have to say will not make a difference to him. Rather, it will urge him in his pursuit. Saying nothing is really my only option. Keep walking - head down, shoulders back: look angry, look ready to fight - look as unapproachable as possible. That is what I tell myself whenever I go outside and I actually have to go any distance before I get in an auto or get picked up by a friend.

The other week I was walking home and my hands were full of bags and my work stuff. A man came up from behind me and grabbed my breasts. He did this because he could - my hands were full and I was walking against traffic at 8:30 at night. I screamed and turned towards him but at that point he was running in the other direction. What I hated most about this was that all the other people watching me saw this and I know they got some sort of grotesque excitement and chuckle over the whole situation. I was mortified and angry but all I could do was keep walking: eyes down, shoulders back.

Perhaps the thing that makes me most upset it that on a daily basis I am expected to have so much compassion for everyone here. I am expected to integrate all of these experiences into the understanding that 'things are different in India'. For all the compassion I feel I have for this culture - I get little in return. In fact, I told this story to some friends and one of the responses was "I know this sounds jaded but I feel like that is sort of harmless because they are just acting like 14 year old boys "oh, I just touched boobies". Now, I get this sentiment and I very much respect the person who made this comment so I really do understand the whole concept. I understand that there is little I can do about it but I also think that sentiment is the symptom of a much bigger problem. The idea that women here are held accountable for the actions of men or that they are just supposed to 'take it' so to speak is deeply disturbing.

And, perhaps the most disturbing part is that I have also started behaving this way. Instead of addressing the problem I keep walking. Instead of saying how inappropriate and awful the behavior is, I keep walking. A large part of this is language. How do I say: You are a dirty misogynist pig in Hindi? I doubt the word misogynist exists in Hindi - the culture is way to patriarchal.

So, today is one of those days. I think what really go me going was the man following me in his car and assuming because he had seen me at the gym he should follow me home and that we would have some sort of friendly familiarity.

I am also just so angry about this culture and the onus it puts on women in terms of being accountable for the behavior of men. As I am sure most of you know, the reason women wear kaftans and burkas is because men can not control themselves so women need to cover themselves.

I have a very simple critique of this. Essentially, any culture where one group is held accountable for the actions and behaviors of another, and to their own detriment, is not a culture of fairness or equal voice. It is a culture of repression and insidious control.

The latent suppression of women in India is nothing short of heartbreaking. The fact that I have bought into this is enraging.

So, I will end with this question: "If you were me, what would you do?"

Friends, Family and Lonliness

Last night marked the departure of my two best friends from India headed back to New York as well as the last of my string of visitors from home (one more visit in July from my love).

Between my Mother and friends visiting I have had a full house since about April 14th. Today, sitting in my room alone, once again, I must say that my overwhelming emotion is sadness.

Certainly I, like almost everyone else, am glad to have my house back to normal and my bed back to myself but knowing that no one who really knows me is going to be around to support me for the next 3 months does feel somewhat aweful.

As I reflect I realize that this observation about myself, this sheer loneliness I feel is funded by something with great strength: a home, someone I love, a place I want to return to. And perhaps, most importantly, these feelings are NEW for me. Never before have I felt comfortable enough and safe enough to really feel it was HOME. Also, never before have I felt comfortable enough in my own skin and my own company to want to return somewhere. I must say that I have spent much of my life running away in an effort not to have to walk through.

So, today, this is what I have been thinking on - How this new great strength I have discovered also brings me such great discomfort.

I never thought that loneliness could be so exhausting and excurtiating. The quality of loneliness I speak of is not about lack of social invitations or lack of friends here...this loneliness is about missing someone and some place that you feel is part of you and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it in the short term and that (perhaps this is the worst) KNOWING that you will continue to keep feeling this way until you get home.

If typical loneliness were a cold, this would be cancer.

But, despite this, I am thrilled to have arrived at this place - I am thrilled to have something to hang onto. Which brings me to another thought....

A few weeks ago a friend used the word 'settle' in a sentence "I just need to settle in a bit" and then quickly said "Oh, I used the S word." And this little tiny exchange - which I am sure the person I am speaking of would likely not remember - has stuck with me because I used to feel that way too - settle was a 4 letter word.

But when I heard it this time around I felt, with some certainty, that this person was actually the one missing out...and that what I had standing on the other side of street was not anything like how I had imagined it nor was it anything I thought tied me down or limited my choices. In fact, I think it is something which gives me amazing strength, perspective and confidence.

So, this is what I have been thinking on today with my friends gone and my house empty. My how I have grown and it certainly has not been painless BUT I like where I am now. I like knowing that I will forever remain a global citizen while at the same time a person with a home. And I know that I am stronger for it.

So, if I may, I would like to ask you....does settling still scare you?